An In-Depth Analysis Why ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice ‘ Was Awful
On March 24th, I watched Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice with a crowd of people excited to see the two best superheroes go head to head. What we got was a jumbled mess of garbage for 2 1/2 hours. Was the action of them fighting good? Yeah, it was okay, but it was far from good. I’m not sure why directors think the best action scenes are done while it’s night time and raining is the best time, but this was another occurrence of “It’s dark and the camera is shaking a lot.”
So, I wrote a review of the movie that wasn’t too positive about the movie, but I still wanted to see it again to make sure it was as bad as my first impression gave me. Not only was I right about the movie being bad, but I had to cover my mouth from laughter so many times that I was afraid I was going to be kicked out of the theater. I took notes during my first viewing so that I could recollect the movie as a whole, but my second viewing was pretty much writing down why it wasn’t good. Let’s take a look. Oh, and if you haven’t seen the movie… SPOILER ALERT!
Superman is stupid
Okay, so, Batman stole Kryptonite from Luthor off-screen after a failed attempt to steal it on-screen where Superman stopped him. Superman overlooked all of this just to stop Batman. Superman overlooked an armed group of guys in semi-trucks carrying the object that will lead to his doom because he wanted to stand in the way of the Batmobile and pretty much tell Batman to stop being Batman.
This stupidity isn’t the only act of dumb from Superman. No. He makes the Superman from Superman Returns look like a fricking badass. In that movie, Superman flies up into orbit and listens for trouble, then he flies down and stops it. This Superman mopes around, only helps when Lois is in trouble. In Superman Returns, Superman is also comforting. He saves a plane, opens the door, and then he asks if everyone is alright. Everyone looked at him and felt like he was a comfort blanket draped over you when you were in shock. Superman in this movie is just a supercut of him saving stuff with no context. He mindlessly sees a girl in trouble in Mexico on CNN and flies there to help. Then everyone wearing skull make-up starts touching him in slow motion.
Most of the movie has Superman sitting around being a turd. Lois literally came home to see Superman being sad on the balcony of their apartment. He whined about the idea of Superman being the idea of a man from Kansas and that there was no Superman.
Superman, again, has hearing impairment. He can only hear when Lois is in trouble. The only time you really see Superman use his super hearing is when Lois is being a dumbass. Drowning? He’s there. Falling? There he is? His Mother being kidnapped? Nothing. An entire conspiracy to take him down? Must’ve been watching Netflix with headphones? Other Metahumans doing stuff in other cities? Pffft, whatever. This Superman is stupid.
Batman Is A Maniac
I said that Ben Affleck was a good Batman in my review, but he’s a bad incarnation of Bruce Wayne. He’s also not a very good Batman when his face is visible. The best and most noble part of Batman is that he doesn’t kill anyone directly. He’s not going to just waste a guy in cold blood because he’s bad. In The Dark Knight, the criminals have caught on to his “one rule” so they use it against him. The Joker pushes him to break his one rule, but he doesn’t Batman doesn’t kill, but he does beat the crap out of people. Hell, he threw that guy out of a building knowing he would only be severely injured instead of dying.
This Batman? He killed like 30 people in one scene. That picture of Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman where he had a gun? That was nothing. That was a grenade launcher with a purpose. When Batman tries to get the Kryptonite that Luthor was exporting, he killed people so much. This leads to more evidence that Superman is awful: he did nothing to stop the criminals from being killed. He sucks so hard.
In the film, Batman brands criminals — especially those of the worst crimes. It’s stated that those that are branded are basically dead if they go to prison. If you molest a child, your ass is branded. When did Batman start branding people? Couldn’t there of been a flashback where his dead Father tells him “Don’t be a maniac after this. Therapy. Also, your Mother is the hot girl from The Walking Dead.”
Batman is also an idiot. You know the TV ads where he is running into smoke and whatever? He is far away from the city, calls a guy in Wayne Tower in Metropolis to tell everyone to get out, and then he drives to Wayne Tower… FOR NO REASON. The guy he told to get out didn’t even leave the floor he was on. Batman drives through the city in a $5,000 suit FOR NO REASON to then call the came guy who eventually dies because Superman and Zod suck at using laser eyes. Randomly, some guy gets his legs crushed and is used as a patsy to plant a bomb that kills a Senator.
Batman also hits Superman over the head with a sink. That happened, It not only happened, It was slow to happen and hilarious.
The First Half
It’s all confusing, badly edited, and pretty much could be rearranged in any order and not make a different. Think about if a porn scene place one position before another. It doesn’t make a difference. This is there, this is over there, this is here. The bad part is that it’s not porn, it’s just crap. Well, there is an odd scene where Lois is taking a bath, and then Clark walks in saying he is going to make dinner… then jumps in the bath with her to bone it out. Bring your kids!
The first half of the movie is pure nonsense. It’s over an hour of confusing things that lead up to the last half being a mess of action in the dark.
Dream Sequences
The hints of movies to follow. That’s what these things are in the film. All those weird scenes you saw of Batman in the desert with Superman being pissed off? That’s all bull. The scene where Superman is randomly walking in the snow FOR NO REASON and sees Kevin Costner chopping wood, reminding him about being Superman? Not real. Why the hell is Superman walking with a backpack in the snow? It’s like When Christopher Reeves gave up his powers, but he actually still had powers!
The weirder thing is that The Flash interrupted Batman when he was having a dream sequence while he was decoding Luthor’s hard drive that he stole from Wonder Woman who stole it from Batman… who he stole from Luthor. Flash said Lois Lane is the key and that there is a threat coming. Hmm, Darkseid? Duh. That reminds me…
The Terrible Hard Drive
Luthor’s hard drive had 4 superheroes listed: Wonder Woman, The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. Each file had the specific icon for the superhero. It was so idiotic that Luthor made logo’s for each superhero that I almost walked out of the theater again. And when was The Flash a filthy looking hobo buying a Gatorade at a 7/11? I don’t remember that in the comics.
It seems there were only 5 video or picture files. The fact that it took Batman to decrypt and download it for so long just reminded me of downloading a song on a 56k modem in 1997.
CNN Telling Us What Is Happening
We all have to deal with horrible news in real life, but why do we have to listen to CNN do bad reporting in a movie about superheroes. Seriously, the reporting of what is going on in the movie is just as bad as the reporting on CNN right now. A superhero is fighting a monster in a skyscraper, but CNN is talking about a blackout. Stop doing this, movies.
Batman Changes His Motive Because Mommy
Batman is about to kill Superman because Superman is a dumbass. Before he is about to stab Superman with the Kryptonite spear, Superman asks him to save “Martha.” They both have the same Mommy name! Batman stops and decides Superman is a good guy because he has a Mom, too. Lois comes into blabber about how Martha is kidnapped and then Batman is his ally. Superman tried to tell him all this before they fought, but Batman is just as dumb.
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Jeff Sorensen is an author, writer and occasional comedian living in Detroit, Michigan. You can look for more of his work on The Huffington Post,UPROXX,BGR and by just looking up his name.
Contact: jeff@socialunderground.com