Legal(ish) Weapons For Defense In America Besides Guns
I’m not really into guns. I know that a lot of people are into guns for protection in America and use the 2nd Amendment to validate it, but the amount of people who own guns in America have no idea what to do in a situation where one could be used. If a major shooting happens in a church or a school, the gun nuts will claim that if a teacher had a gun or if the security in the school had a gun, this could have been prevented.
Then there are the situations where you or someone you see is having a purse or wallet stolen at knife point. Sure, if you had a gun, you could shoot the person, but then you’d have to have a death on your hands forever… a death over something as meaningless as a phone or money. Instead of using a gun for protection, what are some other weapons that are legal to use that won’t cause pain to people who are in the area. You know, the weapons that don’t spray metal objects around that could hit innocent pedestrians? Let’s dive in.
Katana Sword
Yep. You know those badass swords in Kill Bill? Those are legal to buy. I’m not too sure that you can walk down the street with a katana sword on your back, but if you’re allowed to carry a concealed pistol into a movie theater and watch Deadpool, I think walking into a bakery to buy some fresh bread should be allowed to. Plus, if you saw a guy or a girl walk by with a katana on their back, would you ever think of approaching them with any evil intentions? There’s a reason Bruce Willis grabs that sword off the wall in Pulp Fiction. A gun is a gun, but a katana sword is a katana sword.
Nunchucks
Everyone’s favorite Ninja Turtle, Michelangelo, uses the nunchucks to great success. I have tried to use them because I had a friend who happened to have a real pair that he didn’t buy from Toys R Us. At first I felt like a ninja, but the I hit myself in the balls and fell to my knees in horrifying pain. If you actually hold a pair of nunchucks in your hands, feel what they’re made of, and then imagine someone swinging it at you and nailing you in the face… that would put you down. They’re illegal in states like New York, Arizona, Massachusetts, and California. They must have had a wave on nunchuck attacks that put people in the hospital. Just being in the ER and overhearing an EMT bringing in a robber and saying, “Severe blow to the head, we think it was from a nunchuck!” would be the funniest injury ever.
Umbrella Sword
What is less assuming to be a weapon — unless you’re in a Batman comic — than an umbrella. Illegal in California, Massachusetts, and New York, the umbrella sword has about 15 inches of umbrella sword length, plus you can use it as a spear since you got the handle you can use to poke at a potential assailant. There is no one that is about to rob someone holding an umbrella that will think you will pull out some Penguin technology to stop them with their tiny pocket knife. Again, another hilarious thing to overhear in the ER: “The man was stabbed with an umbrella sword.” And then the on-call doctor would be like, “We just got a guy knocked out by nunchucks, now this?!”
Brass Knuckles
California, Michigan, Illinois, and Vermont prohibit the possession, sale, or use of brass knuckles, as well as devices that look like brass knuckles (e.g., plastic knuckles). Other states have similar rules, but many do allow you to use them for protection… but you will probably get charged with a misdemeanor. Getting punched in the face hurts really bad. Getting punched in the face with a dude wearing a pair of brass knuckles will pretty much guarantee that you will need reconstructive surgery. So if you try to fight someone and you see they put a pair on, you should pretty much concede defeat. Even if there is a 99% chance of winning the fight… one connect to the face will knock you the f*ck out.
Pepper Spray/Mace
There are laws about pepper spray in many states on how much can be sold in a spray bottle and the concentration of whatever in the bottle, but it’s pretty much to go to for women fighting off some creeper that is following her in a parking garage. I have never been pepper sprayed, but seeing it done to people reminds me of getting tear gassed at Michigan State. You think you can take the punishment, but then it happens and your eyes turn into the eyes of a man who has smoked a joint the size of the Titanic. They’re beat red, you want to throw up, rubbing your eyes do nothing, and you probably deserved it if you are pepper sprayed — except those instances where the police put pepper spray on the cotton swabs and rubs them in people’s eyes that are already handcuffed. That is messed up. So, if someone if trying to attack you, take out the pepper spray and aim for the face.
Stun gun/Taser
If you’ve ever been stunned, you’re surprised (or SHOCKED!) at how fast you go down. I know this because my friends and I were drinking and one of them took one out and said, “Dude, you guys wanna stun each other?!” And with drunken logic, you do it. Your whole body freezes up, and no matter what you do, your legs will give out and you will be on the ground for a few minutes. Stun guns can be sold to be attached to keychains. So when someone tries to steal your wallet or purse, you can harmlessly take out your keys and taze the hell out of them without them even knowing what just happening.
You can also get stun guns that are literally guns that show those wires at people and stuns them. Believe it or not, you can buy those online right now. I feel that more police need to start using these more than just wildly shooting unarmed people.
Batons
You know when you watch a police show and some bad guy starts talking trash to a cop in plain clothes? The cop then takes out a small stick and flicks it with his wrist until it becomes this long steel rod? That’s a baton, and that hurts like hell if you ever get hit with one. There are even batons that have an attachment with pepper spray. Someone comes after you and you hit him with the spray, and then you bash them in the knee. He is officially owned at that point.
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Jeff Sorensen is an author, writer and occasional comedian living in Detroit, Michigan. You can look for more of his work on The Huffington Post,UPROXX,BGR and by just looking up his name.
Contact: jeff@socialunderground.com