Review: ‘X-Men: Apocalypse’ Is The End Of A Franchise Level Bad
2016 has been full of good and bad superhero movies. Batman V Superman was a monstrosity that seems to have been written in a van with the windows up for 10 days with no air conditioning. Captain America: Civil War was an enjoyable film that managed to bring in most of the MCU to fight over something that could really never happen: the UN having any control over people with powers or anything at all. What has been sort of overlooked has been X-Men: Apocalypse. I mean, X-Men: Days of Future Past was pretty good if you turned your mind off, and X-Men: First Class was great. X-Men: Apocalypse has been getting bad press from the get go. The moment that Apocalypse was revealed on-set photos was the moment that the film was tainted. I remember Apocalypse from the comics and cartoon as this unstoppable God that the X-Men had a tough time fighting. This Apocalypse literally looked like the bad guy from the first Power Rangers film.
The problem with the X-Men cinematic universe is that the creators and writers of the thing don’t even know what is happening at this point in the timelines. Remember in X3 when Professor X and Magneto go to Jean Grey’s house and discover she is super powerful? Professor X is bald, the years are off, her age is off, his hair loss (explained in the new movie) couldn’t have happened… I guess? Then the revamped future changes everything and everyone. The first trilogy doesn’t even matter anymore, the first 2 Wolverine films are pointless because of the change, and everything is pretty much confusing. The problem with all of this is that it hits a tipping point in X-Men: Apocalypse, which considering the end of X-Men: Days of Future Past, gave viewers no tension going into this film. And sadly, going into this movie with the bar set low, I expected to be pleasantly surprised. That never happened.
Premise: Since the dawn of civilization, he was worshiped as a god. Apocalypse, the first and most powerful mutant from Marvel’s X-Men universe, amassed the powers of many other mutants, becoming immortal and invincible. Upon awakening after thousands of years, he is disillusioned with the world as he finds it and recruits a team of powerful mutants, including a disheartened Magneto, to cleanse mankind and create a new world order, over which he will reign. As the fate of the Earth hangs in the balance, Raven with the help of Professor X must lead a team of young X-Men to stop their greatest nemesis and save mankind from complete destruction.
It’s a rare occasion when a film with so much promise could have me looking back to the film projector wondering if it was a joke. There were parts in the film that were so forced and unintentionally hilarious that I probably should’ve walked out. There were parts of the film that were so bad that I looked to strangers, locked eyes, and then we would give that “I guess I paid so I have to stay” shrug. The first Wolverine fine was, I thought, the worst X-Men film after X3. I was wrong. X-Men: Apocalypse is the worst film in the series. There’s even a scene where a few characters are walking out of a Star Wars film and bickering about whether the third film in a trilogy is the worst. It was an obvious joke at X3, but considering that this is the third film of the second trilogy, I think they ironically made fun of their own film. So meta, bro.
Every scene in the film seems disconnected. Every person in the film seems to be phoning it in. Jennifer Lawrence is the biggest star in the film, yet her character in the film is one of the most unnecessary characters in the film. Hell, she is one of the most unnecessary characters in this trilogy. When she started in First Class, I had no idea who she was. It worked because her role was important, but not important enough to prop her up to the main X-Men in the film. All she can do is mimic appearances and do sweet martial arts stuff. Apocalypse can turn matter into dust. If a super powerful mutant comes up talking trash, he can turn them to dust. Her role is basically Black Window but she can change her face. Speaking of changing her face, the makers felt it necessary to see her face AKA Jennifer Lawrence. She’s barely blue in the entire film. Her role in the film is contractually obligated, so they had to make her be essential even if it hurt the film.
Oscar Issac is amazing. This role for Oscar Issac is not amazing. He plays the first mutant ever and goes recruiting for his four horsemen of the apocalypse. Who does he round up? 3 actors with no character development and Magneto. Olivia Munn (Psylocke — I had to look that up again since it’s so forgettable) said she spent hours training and dieting for all of this stuff, but her action scenes are limited and she barely talks. Seems like she wasted her time doing all of that. Storm and Archangel are there as well, although they’re both boring. (ED Note: Try not to laugh when they’re all standing around in their costumes in one particular scene. You’ll know which, and given the location they’re wearing them, how the hell did this film get made?)
All of their introduction scenes, as well as the recruiting for the X-Men, take up most of the film. The whole film is basically a first act set up, and when you think it’s about to ramp up, it’s over. How many times do we have to see destruction porn and become so bored that we don’t care? The amount of people killed in this film is probably over the billion mark, but there is no real sense of anyone giving a crap. A billion people can die in the film and I won’t care, but the dog in John Wick can die and I will understand the motivations and plot. There’s none of that here. Hell, even in the final parts of the film, Apocalypse completely changes his motivations for doing what he was doing. It was like part of the script was lost, they forgot the ending, and then they just made it up on the fly.
If you don’t like super hero films, you won’t like this. If you like super hero films, you won’t like this. I almost want to speak kindly about Batman V Superman after seeing this. Almost.
Grade: 4/10 (3 points given because of the marvelous Quicksilver scene)
X-Men: Apocalypse opens May 27th in theaters everywhere.
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Jeff Sorensen is an author, writer and occasional comedian living in Detroit, Michigan. You can look for more of his work on The Huffington Post, UPROXX, BGR and by just looking up his name.
Contact: jeff@socialunderground.com