THE 3 MONTH RULE
We’ve all heard the expression – there’s only two certainties in life… Death & Taxes. Well, soon we will be uploading our consciousness into a computer to live forever, and Donald Trump apparently hasn’t paid taxes in over a decade… so that leaves us with the only other certainty in life – wait at least 3 months before ever getting into a serious relationship.
It’s something that is becoming more and more commonplace these days, but I have been preaching this gospel since I was just dipping my toe in the proverbial dating soup. I am not exactly sure why I would dip my toe in soup, but let’s move on.
EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone – should be able to come off normal in the first 3 months. We all put our best version of ourselves forward. We aren’t crazy yet. We don’t judge. We won’t even sneak a peek at the text that popped up when our date went to the bathroom and they forgot to lock their phones. It’s honeymoon phase. Everything should be just peachy.
You get excited when your new potential partner shoots you a text, you try to look your best every time you go out, and you try and plan fun and interesting things for the meet-up. This is when everything is in fantasy land! Honestly, if in the first few months – you are having problems, then you probably need to run away. What on earth do you have to argue about when you don’t even know if your new boo has a middle name yet?!
One morning I am watching the news, and it turns out she was one of Elliot Spitzer’s ladies of the night.
Personally – I use this time to do things I always wanted to try, and prefer having someone to go with. Recently I went indoor skydiving on a 3rd date, I went jet skiing in the Hudson River this summer! I even went on a helicopter ride around NYC. Basically, I pretend I am on The Bachelor when I first start dating someone. For me it creates great memories, and anything exhilarating and memorable is always a good thing when imprinting yourself on a new significant other. But I digress.
As I said – I have been preaching the gospel of the 3-month hold time for years. Why do you ask? I feel the best way is to lead by example, and here my faithful readers are my top 3 (seemed fitting) worst things to happen before the 3-month clock rang its final bell!
#3 – I was dating this girl for a short time, but we were definitely on the right track. Anyone that knows me, knows I have a propensity for Russian women, and she was super sexy. Anyway – all of a sudden I don’t hear from her for a full week, which was strange as at this point we were talking every single day. I call her friend that introduced me to her and ask if she had any idea where my new potential Russian bride was and it turns out that she was in jail because she was part of a Russian ring of thieves that stole clothes at stores, and then re-sold them on the black market, and that she had a record already, and was now being deported back to Russia. 1 month in!
#2 – This girl was interesting, I met her online back when it wasn’t very normal to – so maybe I should have figured this one out. PLUS she ALWAYS had money and no discernible stream of income. Which should be another clue. But, she was hot and was all about 3-somes so why would I look deeper into it right? And she had a cute daughter, and told me that she got a large settlement from the ex-husband for child support, so I believed her, as it was probably just easier to do that. Anyway, again she disappears. I don’t hear from her. Then one morning I am watching the news, and it turns out she was one of Elliot Spitzer’s ladies of the night! 1 month and 3 weeks in!
#1 – This was the doosey that confirmed my theory as a rule! I met her back when I was a strip club DJ (shocking). My standard hit-on line for girls back then was a simple “are you single?” It allowed a girl an easy out. She could say no, even if she was single. I started dating this new dancer, and things were fantastic. We started spending 2-3 nights a week together, her at my place, and me at hers. We even went away together for a weekend (as I said I like to create memories)! On our 2nd time away – she gets a phone call as we are about to drive home, and she gets extremely quiet the entire time. We get to my place, and she just says “I have to go.” 3 days go by – which was very long to be incommunicado for us, and then at 2am I get a very irate phone call from a man asking me if I was fucking his wife. My answer was – “I don’t think so, but for argument’s sake – who is your wife?” He said her name, and I followed up with “Well, she told me she was single, so I think you’d probably need to speak with her.”
This led to months of harassment, he threatened my life, he would call 10 times a day – promising to show up at my next live event and stab me. It was all reaaaaallly fun. I even went to the police, but that didn’t dissuade him in the least. I finally decided to take the offense, and ended up asking him why he thought his wife was cheating on him? Maybe there was something missing in the relationship. He started crying, and I became his therapist, and eventually he left me alone. The girl? Never once called. Never once apologized. 2 months and 20 days in!
I hope these examples get you in the proper mindset. Repeat after me. I will wait 3-months before asking someone to be exclusive. If you do that, I promise you, you will be far happier in the long run! You can follow me @iamralphsutton on fb/tw/ig and listen to my recently ranked #1 iTunes comedy podcast The SDR Show on iTunes, Spotify, iHeartRadio or anywhere you listen to a podcast!