I feel like this is the start of an AA meeting – but we should call it an SA meeting – for shallow assholes just as myself. The comedian Dan Naturman said “if it comes down to civil rights or me getting laid… someone’s going to the back of the bus” Funny yes -but it brings up a very true point for me, and I think A LOT of men in the world… Why are we so shallow when it comes to getting into a girl’s pants?
For me – I think I can trace it back to being a child of divorce, and both my parent dating a lot during my formidable years. My mom had at least a ½ dozen men in her life when I was growing up – and my dad and my uncle both made a lot of money together post-divorce and started partying like rockstars. I would literally wake up sometimes – and see 3-4 topless girls outside my dad’s house around the pool. Not a bad sight for a 12 year old – but it will certainly have some lasting effects! And for me – working as a strip club DJ for 10 years, seeing flawless bodies nightly and being spoon-fed vagina on a nightly basis certainly was the icing on the cake.
The direct correlation of the hotter a woman is – to the more I am willing to put up with is almost staggering, and only recently have I been trying to get a handle on it. What I mean is if I am talking to a girl that I don’t feel any attraction to – I will call her out on her nonsense, but if she’s gorgeous – I will probably bite my tongue (at least initially) – be it pronouncing something wrong, misquoting something, or sometimes even far worse — all the way to me briefly pretending it’s OK when she starts suggesting black people should still have separate bathrooms! Really just for the hopeful 30 seconds of pleasure for my tallywacker Most men are guilty of this on some level, but in the past I have taken it to higher levels, and again – I am trying to get better! And I hope this cathartic inward look helps not just me but others reading this! I’ve dated a flat-out racist for a few months, because she was drop dead gorgeous. I would literally cringe at things she said, but she was the most beautiful woman (at least on the outside) I had ever seen, so I just shut my mouth as she opened her legs. Like the time she just blurted out – how she felt cheated dating a Jew during Christmas, and that she truly believed all Jews go out on Christmas eve and make fun of Christians. I was like – – yeah. sometimes… I often wondered if I was the only one with this affliction, until I overheard a guy at a Starbucks talking to his friend, as his girlfriend was heading to the bathroom, and this was the exact quote: “Sure… She’s borderline retarded but look at her ass!” On My podcast (The SDR Show), My co-host (comedian Big Jay Oakerson) gives me shit for it all the time, so apparently not all men are effected, so I am TRYING to get better!
I’ve had a recent epiphany that this non-correcting of a hot girl’s behavior from the small to the grand is a never-ending downward spiral. For instance, you’ve often heard guys say – the hotter a girl is – the less she feels she has to do in bed! I say this isn’t true – I think men in her past have never called a girl out on her awful sex skills because they were just too happy to be there! But – what happens right after you have sex with the hot idiot?? I can tell you from experience… you feel bad about yourself, worse if we keep going back for more! The problem doesn’t end there – it’s a two-way street! these women grow up living in a false reality. Believing with all their heart that they are funny, smart, good cooks, have great oral skills, that her racist views make sense to everyone, etc – and they aren’t. So, I’ve decided to try and reel in my johnson and speak from my upstairs brain from now on.
I am taking a stand for humanity’s sake. No longer biting my tongue, no longer pretending to laugh, no longer convincing myself she was referring to the bartender’s jigger. I am resetting my ethical meter and being an example for men everywhere! I am going to right my wrongs, and get us all back on the right path. Men reading this take heed! I am falling on the sword for my fellow man… Going home horny and alone for the betterment of humanity – and suggest you follow suit!! Eventually the universe’s karma has to kick us something back right?? (god I hope so). So, I have decided to show you the reader, my attempts at correcting rudeness, stupidity, bad joke telling, incorrect facts and whatever else the universe of hot chicks wants to throw at me!
Recently I went to see an astrophysicist that is quite popular – Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and I was able to get two tickets, so I texted a girl suggesting that she come see my favorite astrophysicist. Her response was: “Oh wow! I didn’t realize you were into that! What’s your sign?!” I replied with ‘that’s Astrology – this is science” Then I posted the exchange on my facebook wall – she direct messaged me “Nice update asshole” and unfriended me on fb. One small step for man.
I met a girl online. She and I started talking on the phone, and she constantly would tell me extremely UNFUNNY jokes. And to make it worse, when I didn’t laugh, she’d repeat the punchline – because she assumed that was the reason I wasn’t LOL’ing. No way it could be her comedy stylings. Then after her 4th or 5th failed attempt at comedy… she said to me – “I guess you just don’t get my wacky sense of humor!” To which I responded ‘Actually, I just don’t think you are as funny as you think you are.” We no longer are speaking to each other. One less unfunny female.
Recently – on a date, a woman told me that her Aunt is getting to that point where she’s not remembering things and is very forgetful. “you know – old timer’s disease”. Ok – wait a second – do you mean Alzheimer’s disease? Quickly googling it to show her the folly of her ways.
After an amazing dinner – this 5’10 blonde from Texas and I went to have drinks at a bar around my corner. Now I happen to make my money in rock music, but I really don’t care if the girl is into rock, but this girl tried to convince me all night that she was a “Rock Chick.” She’s kinda drunk now and looks over my shoulder behind my back and utters the magic phrase “who the fuck is that ni%%er.” I turn my head and see the Rolling Stone cover of Jimi Hendrix on the damn wall! My response was – I am not really sure what is more insulting right now. The fact that you would just blurt that word out (with anger on it I might add), OR that you have no idea who the hell Jimi Hendrix is!” Paid the tab and called it a night.
This was my most difficult one… to this day – she is the MOST beautiful girl I ever dated, not only that – but the best sex, AND she was bisexual, with hot friends, and up for anal which is pretty much the Ralphy trifecta. So, this was SOOO difficult. But the time has come! I have put up with her endless pointless stories… “I went to the store and bought shoes” could somehow be turned into an hour-long diatribe. But she was so beautiful! I tried to pretend I was hearing something interesting. Finally, I hit the tipping point, the Rubicon, the point of no return! I sent a uber for her – to come to my neighborhood – I waited outside – but somehow missed the car, and she decided to just walk into a bar on my block. I didn’t tell her to meet me at that bar – she just opted to do it. I see that the uber ride is over – so I am walking up and down the block in the rain. her phone is off for some reason, and then I decide to start popping into the bars on the block. I find her at the 3rd bar… at this point I am soaking wet… and I say “HI! I was looking for you” Now keep in mind – I had already paid to have a car drive her to me… and I was about to buy us drinks too. Her response was a very angrily barked ‘You’re late” I tried to keep my calm, and said “actually, no – I was walking up and down the block looking for you. We never said meet at this bar… and…” As I am talking she says “Just shut up. It was rude, now let’s try and have a good time” I took a breath. staring at the gorgeous legs of this amazingly beautiful idiot, and said “ya know what… I can’t do this.” and I walked out! We’ve never spoken again. One extremely horny but vindicated Ralphy.
To make matters even worse, there’s something called the Dunning–Kruger effect. In a nutshell it’s an effect that occurs in people with little to no talent in an area – who convince themselves they are way better at something than they actually are. Couple this with positive affirmation from guys trying to get in said girl’s shorts – and we are doomed I tells ya! Doomed!
Recently however, I was a victim of a shallow reversal. As I was with a VERY successful friend of mine and his wife at a beach club. When I posted a pic with the two of them on Facebook – about 20 beautiful women immediately added me on Facebook, and started asking me out. The very quick realization was they all thought I was rich, and once they found out otherwise, they either canceled dinner or unfriended me. Hello Pot – meet kettle.
And look – I have a fair amount of delusion myself! I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in over a decade, I am way on the wrong side of 40, and yet I still tell myself that I want to get married and have kids. Yet – I consistently look to only date super-hot, way out of my physical league, way too young for me women. So, I guess we all like to live in our own little universes.
And there you have it my fellow men… Ralph shall be shallow no longer, and it’s a call to arms to my fellow shallow men out there. feel free to use this hashtag #shallownomore for your stories I would certainly love to hear them.
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